This book contains no useful information whatsoever. There is nothing in here you need to know. Nothing that will give you any insight into the meaning of life or the essence of our existence as humans.

I think it's funny. I wrote it for me and my family. I don't think people think I am as funny as I do. I get a lot of "deer in the headlights" looks during what I think are my best moments. I think this means my humor is either highbrow and goes over people's heads or, likely, so low no one can see it.

I hope you give it a try, and it makes you laugh. If it does, buy it for twenty of your friends for Christmas and have them buy it for their friends.

My last book project netted me negative $6,427.36 and a barn full of books that will someday end up in Goodwill bargain bins for a quarter. I have high hopes this one will finally give me that dream of being a successful, high-paid author with an excuse to stop talking to any other human again in my life.

Don't expect a sequel. This is all the excitement that I have ever had in my life. And I'm too old to have any more. It's all I have to say. Any other stories I tell would just be straight-up lies. The stories in this book are true, to the best of my remembrance. Or they could be dreams that I have turned into true stories (it happens more than you think). Or they could be stories that some of my older friends have told me so many times I think they happened to me (it happens more than you think).

As every waiter and waitress in America has been taught to say...Enjoy!