Disclaimer: The language used in this text may not be appropriate for users under the age of 18. An alternative 'Clean as Heck' version is available that uses fun and funny substitute curse words more suited for younger readers. Learn the how, where, when, and 'What the f**k?!' of sewing basic garments. This is not sewing like grandma used to do. Grab a bottle of wine and get ready to cut corners and curse your way through this beginner's guide to stitchery. You'll find the basics of using a sewing machine, insight into patterns and pattern-making, and all of the easiest odds and ends to include in your own garment creations. This guide provides concise, step-by-step instructions to help you conquer your creativity without the Xanax and crying in the corner. Time-saving tips and where to cut corners make this a great guide for people with a wide range of f***s to give. A few topics covered include: - Tools to get your a** in gear - Basic stitches, seams, and hems - Tips on purchasing fabric - The lazy man's road to zippers, buttons, pleats, pockets, and darts - Patterns and instructions for all basic garments (tops, shorts, dresses, etc). Pop the cork and let's go.